Let Me Go


Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go


Months ago, my best friend showed me this  youtube video. He told me, “Lea, listen to this. Let him go.”

I was like, the fuck, it’s not that easy.

Weeks after that, I tried to listen to this song again, and realized it wasn’t a song about forgetting your loved one. It’s the song about how you regret it when you let your significant others go.

I listened to this song again last night, and the lyric struck me. I realized how lucky I am.

I thought about the years I’ve spent with him. Never in my life, even for one second, where I didn’t see him as my world. He was important for me, he was everything for me. I might be not a perfect girlfriend. Sometimes I became too busy with my life, my mind, or got crush toward somebody else. But never, I never left him alone. I never chose other person. When I tried to open myself to other guy, I found out that my love to him was too big, I found out that he was special, the best among others. I understood that, he was the only guy who able to made me feel comfort about myself (kindly notice the past forms, well I know my English sucks, but I assume you understand).

I was a fussy girlfriend, and sometimes I said harsh things that broke his heart when I mad or angry toward him (this happened vice versa though). But I’ve always let him know, that I loved him with all my heart. I regret all the things I said toward him, and I didn’t hesitate to say sorry. I proud about him, I was being deaf when people told me that he’s not good for me. And I am pretty sure to say, I never waste him, at least never intended to waste him.

I gave him so many chances, I trusted him, I keep his trusts. When we walked together, I hold his hand proudly. In front of my parents, I told things about how great he was. I let him to become himself, and told him that I love him the way he was. I stayed when he asked me to stay. I chose him over so many things. I’d cancel my hang out schedule with friends if he asked me to meet him. I’d drop everything if he asked me to choose him over anything in front of me.

Never in my life, I forgot how important he was to me.

Today, I thank God about that.

I don’t have to feel the miseries when you realized you’ve wasted someone so special.

I meant… being cheated and left just like that after you stayed for years is hard as fuck (even if the reason was because our faiths). Yes, it does hard. I cried like, every single day. But I know I’ll move on eventually. And somehow, I believe I will never regret the day I broke him up and asked him to leave, as it wasn’t because I fucked up. He was the one who fuck things up. And I let him go. Well that wasn’t easy, I even asked him to fix things up between us. But he chose the other girl. It makes me feel better realizing that I at least tried. I tried to get him back and he rejected. And that means he was the one who left and wasted me, not the other way.

Meeting new guys, dated one or two guys, taught me that… I deserve to be treated better. It makes me comparing between how he treated me, and how other guys treat me. Being hurt, makes me thinking about the years I’ve spent with him. All the things he did to me. How he treated me. What lies he has told me. Everything. I started to match the puzzles, and I understood, he wasn’t good for me. God has showed me in a frikkin’ hard way, that I had to leave. Because I deserve better.

And it makes me… feel a bit better. That I only need to feel broken heart and betrayed instead of regrets. Hence, one day, when I find someone new, I won’t compare this guy with my ex (unless if the new guy is worse than him, which I think that would be nearly impossible). Because I know, that we were separated for greater reasons. Not because I wasted him, or cheated on him. I never let him go, he was the one who left. And it was the best closure that God has gave me. I need to understand that nothing good was left between us. And I believe, I will never say “I don’t know what I got till it’s gone”. Because I know. I know what I had, and it wasn’t that good.

Although, being betrayed makes me hard to trust other people, and afraid to fall in love. As today, something is growing inside my heart, and I am so fucking afraid. My brain says it’s too early. But my heart says, let it grow. These past three months I’ve been disappointed like several times, but maybe it was because I hang my hopes too high. And also, I was only looking for rebounce. But this time… it’s different. Hence, I will let it grow as slow as possible, as I want to treasure the moment, every second. And please, do remind me to not hang my hopes too high 😀

Maybe I will get break down, or miss him, maybe this condition will stay awhile. Maybe the creatures in my head still live there. While at that, I’ll give my heart a chance to grow bigger. I wish, as I let it grow bigger, my sadness will shrink and disappear.

As know I understand. I won’t regret a thing.

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Fulltime Dreamer

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