Company and Closures

I always like the moment when I sit next to someone, holding our bottled beers, and looking at Jakarta’s busy road in the middle of the night. And we’re just… having conversation. Like, real conversation. Well, i don’t care if my company tells lies. I will always be honest. And open.

Di antara botol bir dan asap rokok, kami berbagi cerita. Kebetulan kami mengalami hal yang sama persis, diselingkuhi oleh orang yang sangat kami sayangi. Kami berbagi kesimpulan yang sama. Those events have changed everything in us.

Saya bilang (kira-kira), “Gimanapun juga, ada satu bagian di dalam kita yang rusak dan nggak akan pernah bisa sembuh. Mungkin bisa sembuh, tapi gue rasa itu butuh waktu bertahun-tahun. Bahkan saat kita menikah nanti, mungkin luka kayak gitu masih bakal kebawa.”

Kenapa saya bisa bilang begitu?

“My (latest) ex said, gue rusak.”

Dia menaikkan sebelah alisnya, “What the fuck?”.

“Oh, gue masih breakdown tanpa alasan, kadang. Mungkin itu yang dia bilang rusak. Selain itu kan gue emang masih berantakan. Tapi gue jadi ngerti, oh orang ini nggak tahan menghadapi baggage gue. Then he doesn’t deserve me.”

Ada hal-hal yang terbawa dan susah untuk diperbaiki setelah kita disakiti sedemikian rupa.

“I built walls around me. I stop trusting.” katanya.

We all do. Bedanya dia sadar. Saya nggak sadar. Beberapa waktu sebelumnya saya pernah bilang ke dia, “I won’t stop trusting people. I will always believe in people until they prove me wrong.” Saya salah. Saya nggak begitu.

Tapi sekarang saya sadar. Dan saya terima. Saya nggak akan deny lagi. All the wall i’ve built unconsciously, the distance i’ve put, perasaan curiga, dan seterusnya. I’m standing at the point where i believe everyone has their own ulterior motives toward me. Dan kata “sayang” means nothing.

Di dalam hati saya bertanya-tanya, mereka (mantan yang selingkuh)  sadar nggak, sih, what they’ve done to us? To me. Toward him.

I told him about the story of “The Dry Shit Effect”. Shits, when you just dumped them, you won’t touch them right? They smell like fuck, and disgusting. But when it dried and changed color to be white after awhile, you’ll think “Hey, shit actually not that bad when it dry.” But if you touch it, or keep it, it won’t change the fact that it is still the same shit you’ve dumped previously. It just look less disgusting and not smelly anymore, but you can do nothing with it. It is still shit.

I am lucky, because now i have clear view about my ex. He is still the same shit i’ve dumped before and i don’t have any interest toward him. Saya hanya punya dua jenis rasa terhadap dia, marah dan jijik. I know, anger is still a strong feeling. Tapi itu lebih baik daripada perasaan nggak bisa melepas dia.

Dia bilang, saya hanya perlu waktu sampai semua rasa itu hilang. Dia menambahkan, “Ternyata cara paling ampuh untuk menyembuhkan sakitnya adalah dengan jatuh cinta lagi.” It is indeed. I also lucky, that i fell in love, deeper and harder than before. Despite the ending was suck.

Dia bilang, “Well, but it is better than before. Hubungan elo dengan dia nggak selama elo dengan mantan yang sebelumnya. Jadi nggak perlu waktu selama itu untuk move on.” He’s right.

It’s kind of nice, to have someone, that drank pain from the same cup with you. That is walking in the same shoes with you. That… less selfish than most people.

Setelah bir kami habis, ia memeluk saya sebelum berpisah. Some kind of our thing. That hug, felt warmer than before. It was nice to know that, i have a company, friend, that is fighting the same battles and pain with me. Karena pria yang pernah mengatakan sayang dan nggak mau kehilangan saya sekalipun, nggak ngerti kesedihan yang saya punya. I think he was right, orang itu nggak sayang saya. And that i should feel blessed, that now i am freed. That i have found my closure. Once again.

Waktu sama mantan yang sebelumnya, dia juga mengatakan hal yang sama, “You’ve got your closure.”, then i moved on. Funny that once again, he told me exactly the same words for the second time.

I got into my taxi, sat and smiled. Well yes, i can move on now. Again.

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