Happy Birthday

Dear you,

Happy birthday.

Do you remember your birthday surprise party at my favorite cafe? Or the other surprise party at my office? Or our last birthday dinner at this happening steak restaurant?

Have you ever counted how much birthday surprises i’ve prepared for you? I always wanted your birthday celebrations to be special because you said you never had a birthday party.

And then i counted mine. Ah. You never prepared a birthday party to me. But hey, we shared when i treated my friends on my birthday dinner. And i felt very happy and thankful.

Do you also count how many times i asked for break up because we were not going anywhere with our relationship? And how many times you rejected it and asked me to wait? And then i agreed. Every time.

Do you also remember my face when i found out about her?

It’s almost 2 years. But the scars stayed.

I had a hard time trying to heal myself. Did you see my struggles? I know you did. Did you ever ask yourself “why is it so hard for you, nie?”

Oh. You asked me once. And i’ve explained why.

I imagine you have a very happy life now. I’d like to say i’m happy for you. But i don’t. The truth is, i don’t feel anything toward you or about you. It’s strange. It’s like… We’ve never been together. It’s like, i never knew you. I feel literally nothing.

There are times, when i’m jealous toward you. Your dreams, the one you always told me, now you’re living it. You married the woman you love. And i felt, it’s kind of unfair because i never find the right man, and definitely not living the life i’ve been dreaming about. But i’ve walked away from that feelings.

My life’s been a roller coaster these past two years, and i don’t have time to think about you. I fell in love so many times. And i got a lot of broken-hearts. Feels like, there are so many names in my heart, except yours.

But i do have one thing about you in my mind.

With you, i know exactly how it felt to be loved.

It’s kind of strange, how things changed so much only in two years.

It’s kind of strange how heart can change in a blink. Mine and yours. And how both of us have moved on from our stories. Like it never happened.

I can’t believe that i’ve spent 25% of my life with you. With our ups and downs. Tears and smiles. Struggles and happiness. We’ve been through a lot. And look at us now. We’re now just strangers.

Weird isn’t it?

Tonight i’m very far from my hometown. And i’m struggling with my life. And then i remembered, yesterday was your birthday. It doesn’t mean i’m still remembering you in romantic way. I just realised that i’ve moved on this far. And i’ve moved on from so many broken-hearts.

Do you know that what you’ve done to me, leaves an unhealed pain? No. I don’t blame you. It’s something i can’t control. Neither you. But i’ve been living with it for almost two years.

But i’m here. Living and shit. And i have great friends that always support me. They witness my battle. And they’ve been very very very patience toward me. Sometimes i see myself as a selfish asshole, as a selfish crybaby. They don’t deserve me and my whining behaviours.

But you see. I’ve changed. I’m a totally different woman now. I believe you’re also a different person now.

Consider this as your birthday gift. Or birthday surprise party. That i’m letting you know, it’s okay to move on. It’s part of our life. We’re merely a chapter in a one complete book. A thick one. And what we had, was a great chapter. No matter how it ended, it doesn’t mean those great stories were fake.

Hey, birthday boy. Let’s keep be strangers. As i don’t want any piece of you in my life. Not because i hate you. But because i’ve closed that chapter a long time a go. And this is the only time where i open it, just to check how far i’ve moved on.

I’m happy about the progress. Hope you’re also happy about yours.

I’m sorry, i don’t remember your age anymore. Anyway. Happy birthday. Make your wish. Blow your candles.

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Fulltime Dreamer

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