The Closure I’ve Never Asked

He ordered a glass of liquor, and me, after a week of alcohol every night, i asked for a glass of iced coffee. I didn’t want my vacation in Bali ended up with me being hospitalized because of gerd.

We talked about the past a little, but then he kept talking about how his marriage been down-falling. I listened as a friend, not as his ex girl friend.

Then i asked him.

“Why did you choose her? Among all of those girls. Why her? The one that I particularly asked you to not engage. The one whose i told you talk shit about me on Twitter. The one that been flirted with you while we’re still together.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Maybe he was trying to ease my heart, because then he continued by comparing me with his wife. How i was so much better than her. But honestly, it doesn’t mean a thing for me. I was the one who left. I don’t care if she is better than me or not.

He said he no longer love his wife.

I paused. Trying to find honesty or emotion on his face. I couldn’t find anything.

“Tapi long time relationship pasti kayak gitu, Bang. Sparks-nya hilang di tahun ke-3 atau ke-4. Tapi bukan berarti kamu udah ga sayang dia.”

“Perasaanku udah hilang dari tahun pertama kami nikah, kok. Abang nyesel kenapa begitu cepat ngelamar dia.”

And all could think was, “Is this how marriage like? You fall in love then you stop loving?”

How sad… what a waste of time.

Their social media posts full of happiness and romantic pictures, but all of them are fake. And i kind of feel sad. I thought true love was a real thing, but my ex just proofed my that i was wrong.

But at least, i was right to left. Seeing him like that, made me believe that my decision was right. If i marry him, he’d do the same to me. I’d be the wife he talk shit about to his exes.

I never wanted a closure with him. I didn’t need one. I knew he wasn’t the one. I loved him, but we couldn’t work our relationship out. I was just angry he got back to me by dating the girl i like the least so he could make us even.

I remember, when he was about to propose the girl, 2 nights before, he texted me, he said he is going to propose. As if he expected me to beg him to not to. Instead, i replied with “Congratulations!” And i know it wasn’t the respond he was looking for.

That night, in the corner of a cheap bar at Seminyak (because the nice places already closed), i told him, “I let you go with her because if you were truly mine, no girl would be able to take you away from me. If you really love me, you would fight for me. If not, then i simply believe you’re not for me.”

Then i saw it. The sadness. The regret. In his face.

We parted away with a long hug after he dropped me off at my hotel. I told him, “Don’t get divorce. Just try. Try to be more understand.”

He whispered, “Not possible. We’ve stopped loving each other.”

I didn’t reply, because there was no more thing to talked about. He wanted me to support his decision and encourage him. I won’t. And all i know is that, if i was his wife, he’d do exactly the same. He’d fall out of love then believing it’s all my fault.

My ex, wasn’t a bad man. At least, he’s not the kind of assholes i’ve met in my life. He has his kindness, a sensitive heart, and when he loves, he loves hard.

But again, that girl could be me. And i think his wife doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.

I hope, if get to marry someone, that man will never stop loving me. Never stop trying, and never give up on me.

Is there the kind of love that exactly the same with the kind of love that i would give? I don’t know. But at least i now have the answer that my ex is definitely not that man.

If in any way, my ex read this post, i’d like to tell him, “Don’t give up on your marriage. As long as both of you still trying, everything will get better eventually .”

Published by

macangadungan

Fulltime Dreamer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s