Being Viral = Being Vulnerable

I’ve been enjoying using Twitter since 2007. It’s been 15 years. Twitter was some kind of my save space where i can rant, i can talk openly about my mental illness, i can talk nonsense and nobody really care.

Until recently.

I’m not sure why, my tweets got viral twice in a week. Was it like a 60 seconds of fame to me? Did it make me some what happy?

NO. HELL NO.

These are what i learned from being viral:

1. Selalu ada orang yang tiba-tiba ngamuk sama lo.
2. Dan ga jarang ngamuknya gak nyambung sama konteks dari twit lo.
3. Orang lebih suka ngamuk dan marahin lo daripada bertanya/counter argument/diskusi.
4. Selalu ada orang yang ingin menyakiti lo padahal lo gak kenal.
5. You will be taken out of context.
6. You will be attacked as a personal. Not your idea, not your opinion, not your tweet, but you. You as a person, will be attacked.
7. There are people that somehow, have this thing… that can make everything is about them. Eventhough you guys never knew each other and you definitely not talking about them.

Below are some of the hateful comments i got. These comments were posted under a new thread by other person that took my tweet out of context and create a whole new perspective that attacking me. Of course not giving me space to explain myself.

It hurt TBH. I don’t know the second person, but she posted the idea of using my mental illness to attack me. I, personally, have no idea how one can use other people’s mental illness to actually hurt them.

This also hurtful.

Diagnosed of mental illness since 2015, and regularly drink meds and getting psychotherapy since 2018 until today, i educate myself a lot about mental illness by reading journals on the internet, personal experiences blog of other people, and of course, books. A lot of books.

Dealing with an abusive (my late) father (i love him btw no matter what, and our relationship became a lot better esp after i took my therapy and learned how to handle him), then abusive (ex)-boyfriends, also made me want to know about abusive behaviours, which in the end lead me to personality disorders as in many research, abusiveness said connected to personality disorders. BUT PLEASE REMEMBER NOT EVERY PERSON WITH PERSONALITY DISORDER IS ABUSIVE OR DANGEROUS.

But my intention in my twit was never to explain about personality disorder. But i do know some of them. I LIVE WITH ONE SINCE I WAS AN INFANT, i am a victim but i’m sorry that i don’t bitch about it a lot. And to tell me i know nothing is blatantly ignorant and judgemental. Just because i made it easier and simpler to the person i talked with, doesn’t mean i don’t know.

Above person, taken my (lazy) reply to a single person, and highlight that as if it was the entire thread about. The reply, never meant to be part of the thread that went viral, and never addressed to above person. But these people, these people that never know me, never know my struggles, never know my experience, blatantly called me GOBLOK.

Instead of replying my tweet with explanations. I mean, i open to correction. I open to anything but offensive comments and name calling.

It’s like they chose being savage over being informative.

Note that those tweets didn’t mention me, but showing screenshot of my reply tweet to someone (that was not them). The intention of those tweets never to educate. Just. Simply to mock me, or laugh about me. I don’t know.

But as the person being called GOBLOK in that conversation, i felt hurt.

Last night was tough for me. I’ll be honest. Never in my experience, i faced that kind of hate. And this was from a group of people who openly name call me on social media. I prone to depression and a little bit paranoid as i have some cognitive issue. Last night, i believed all my friends secretly hate me and part of this group.

But i take this as a lesson. A lesson to be more careful on choosing my words, a lesson to always assume that my tweets can and will be used against me, a lesson that if it’s a heavy topic, then use proper language, structure, and terms to avoid anyone taking it out of context.

Some told me to stop talking about mental illness because i’m not an expertise. Which again, hurtful. I see that silencing people to talk openly about mental illness is part of the problem that makes us stigmatised. When i talk about mental illness, mostly about my illness. Something that i experience, i feel, and i know.

But the viral tweet they were talking, it was about a book. A book that focusing on High Conflict Personalities.

Again, i understand, whatever i was trying to say, can be taken out of context, or understood in different perspective, and it’s not something i able to control.

I am trying my best to understand this person and not in any way trying to attack back, or name-call them. Everything they said about me (since they didn’t @ me, so not “to me”, but “about me”) will be accepted as lessons in introspective way.

However, i will appreciate correction better than name-calling.

I hope next time i get viral, will only because of great achievement i did with my work, not over some random tweets i made out of boredom.

Additional update.

To avoid my tweets go more viral and to protect my mental health from internet trolls and bullies, i locked my tweet.

But i found out, some of them still trying to reach me. Not sure why someone actually willing to reach me just to say this thing. And not sure what kind of output this kind of people expecting from me.

Hm. I’m still learning.

This definitely something that i will discuss with my psychiatrist so i can do a proper introspection (and of course learn how to cope with this kind of cyber attack).