About Sipping Coffee Alone in Your Saturday Night

Ten years ago, i always thought that i would never marry anyone but you. In my life, that time, all i ever had and ever wanted was you. I couldn’t imagine a life where you’re not there.

I always dreamed about living in Singapore with you, have 2 kids; 1 boy and 1 girl, while you work as programmer, and i work as freelance designer. We used to dream about how i will prepare you a cup of tea while you’re working with your side jobs. Then, i’d sit next to you, with my coffee, working on my own project. I’d be your wife, best friend, teammate, sparing partner, and we’d talk about work, movie, life, and other nonsense that we used to talk about.

Ten years from then, i find myself drinking coffee alone in my room while watching netflix. Out of nowhere, i thought, what are you doing right now?

Maybe you’re out in a dinner with your wife and your 2 beautiful daughters. Living the dream that we used to had together, but with different person. Better and prettier. Maybe smarter and kinder and funnier as well.

Ten years from then, i no longer think about our dream. It’s been dead for years because, of course, you suddenly decided to cheated on me and marry her. Now, i no longer thinking about marriage. Because i still can’t think of anyone better than you. I mean, i’ve dated someone that more handsome, or treated me better than you, i also dated someone funnier, hotter, smarter. I even dated a nice guy he was so kind that we almost never fought.

But in the end, i ended up alone. Sometimes because they left, sometimes because i left. Some, because the cheated.

But it’s 2022, and i no longer young. It’s even harder to keep in shape than before. If i ever been in shape. Something you hate about me. I remember you hate my stretched marks, you disgusted about them. (though then i met men that able to love my stretched marks, thank you for the men who has helped me loving myself after the storm you made)

Anyway where was i

Oh. Yes. I have stopped keeping hope about marriage and finding the right partner. Maybe i lost them when i lost you. Maybe you supposed to be my soulmate, but you chose other girl to be yours. And i no longer have another soulmate to spend my life with.

In my darkest mind, sometimes i question, what if you grow old watching your daughters living my life? Alone. Struggling alone without someone to come home to. What if you live long enough to watch that? Will you remember about me?

I’m lucky that my dad has passed away without seeing me live like this. Because he was the one who always insisted for us to break up (and i always insisted to stay, which, so much waste…).

All the time and the love that we’ve invested…

If only you always been honest about your intention. I would never fell for your tears.

But life already moved on so far. It doesn’t wait. I am now living the consequences of trusting my life and my heart in your hand. And the cruelest fact is that, i can’t blame you.

I don’t feel lonely. Living this kind of life. If any. I feel content and save. Knowing that no one’s ever hurt me again like you did by being alone like this.

You’re lucky, you know. You get away with everything and bring all the prizes with you.

I don’t know if i’m lucky. All i know is that i feel okay. I want more, but maybe i don’t deserve more. I learn to be happy with what i have (it’s really hard, you know). My psychiatrist been helping me to reach this point, to feel enough.

Do you know how long i’ve been under therapy? 7 years of therapy, and 5 years under medications.

And all of that, because of you.

But of course you believe that you have nothing to do with it. That everything is my fault.

Don’t worry. I don’t feel sad. But i don’t feel happy either. I feel nothing. And nothing is good. I feel nothing, i dream nothing. I don’t dare to have a long time dream. Something you taught me. The consequences of having your dream shattered that easy in one night, is something that so much more than dreadful.

I hope people don’t cheat. The one who got cheated, always the one who carry the burden of the pain. While the infidel already happy with their new partner.

For you, it was about 8 years a go, and it has passed you.

For me, i stuck in the same place and cursed to stay here forever.

Ten years from then, now i believe i will never marry anyone nor finding anyone. So i live with it and let time pass while watching you living happily ever after.


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Fulltime Dreamer

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