Kesepian

Beberapa tahun lalu, waktu saya belum memulai rangkaian pengobatan bipolar saya, saya sering merasa kesepian. Kadang, kesepian itu rasanya mematikan. Saya bingung harus ngapain.

Tapi dulu banyak hal yang bisa saya lakukan untuk menghalau kesepian. Paling sering saya lakukan adalah nongkrong bersama teman-teman. Saat itu kami semua single, punya waktu luang, mudah sekali menghubungi mereka untuk sekedar ngopi atau minum bir.

Kemudian ketika saya mulai ke dokter dan mendapat kombinasi obat yang tepat, saya masuk fase di mana saya menyukai kesendirian. Saya tidak perlu teman di kosan. Teman-teman main saya pun sering main. Jadi saya punya waktu yang seimbang antara menyendiri dan bergaul.

Lalu saya pindah ke kosan ini pada tahun 2019. Di kosan ini, pertama kalinya saya berteman dengan anak kosan. Awalnya 1, lalu 2 orang, lalu 3. Hampir tiap hari kami bermain bersama, hampir tiap malam kami ngumpul dan ngobrol. Saya sampai harus mengabari di grup whatsapp kami, anak kosan, jika saya sedang ingin sendirian karena saya terlalu lelah tiap hari bertemu orang.

Pada akhirnya, teman-teman kosan saya pindah satu-satu. Ada yang karena putus dengan pacar, ada yang karena hendak menikah, dan ada yang karena takut saya pindah duluan dari kosan. Ya, akhir bulan ini saya seharusnya keluar dari kosan karena saya sudah mulai menyicil rumah di daerah Tangerang.

Tapi saya masih harus perpanjang 1 bulan di kosan ini. Tanpa teman-teman kosan saya.

Mendadak saya merasa kesepian. Baru sekarang saya merasakan lagi kesepian setelah bertahun-tahun bisa menikmati kesendirian.

Mungkin ini karena saya sendiri sedang depresi, sehingga saya merasakan semua emosi negatif dengan ekstrim: lelah, putus asa, ingin menyerah, dan kesepian. Dalam 2 minggu ini, saya kehilangan berat badan lebih dari 2 kg tanpa usaha karena saya kehilangan nafsu makan.

Kesepian tadinya adalah perasaan yang asing buat saya. Kini, ia kembali jadi teman akrab saya.

Semoga fase ini sementara saja, dan tergantikan dengan rasa semangat untuk bekerja dan menabung demi membayar cicilan rumah dan mencicil mengisi rumah.

Fase Hidup Serius

Beberapa bulan belakangan ini, saya sedang di dalam fase berpindah dari single and happy menjadi single and pusing. Saya mulai merasakan bahwa saya ini ya sudah tua. Tidak setua mama saya, tapi sudah cukup tua untuk mulai pusing sama hidup.

Saya sudah tidak bisa random keluar malam-malam untuk sekedar ngopi atau ngebir. Sudah tidak ada lagi malam-malam ke bar sepulang kantor. Bahkan, kosan saya sudah tidak jadi base camp lagi seperti tahun lalu.

Saya sedang menuju ke dalam fase serius di dalam hidup. Saya belajar membuat keputusan-keputusan besar dan berat yang sebelumnya tidak pernah saya lakukan. Dan saya menjalani ini sendirian.

Menjadi dewasa itu sangat berat dan sepi ya…

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Thank You, 2022

Welp, that time of the year again.

I’m glad i’m still alive. Saya melewati bulan-bulan depresif dan suicidal di tahun 2022 yang rasanya cukup berat buat saya. Padahal 2022 saya baik-baik saja. Mood depresif saya terjadi karena kebetulan sedang fasenya dan ditambah dengan kombinasi obat yang salah.

Honestly, 2022 saya mainly tentang mencoba menyeimbangkan mental mati-matian dengan bantuan obat karena fase mania dan depresi saya yang susah banget ditemukan jalan tengahnya. Berbagai kombinasi obat kami (saya dan psikiater saya) coba. Hampir tiap kunjungan saya dapat kombinasi dan dosis yang berbeda. Sekalinya saya dapat obat yang tepat, eh, berat badan saya naik ekstrim. Sisanya, saya dalam kondisi autopilot sehingga saya tidak bisa mengingat sebagian besar hari-hari saya.

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About Sipping Coffee Alone in Your Saturday Night

Ten years ago, i always thought that i would never marry anyone but you. In my life, that time, all i ever had and ever wanted was you. I couldn’t imagine a life where you’re not there.

I always dreamed about living in Singapore with you, have 2 kids; 1 boy and 1 girl, while you work as programmer, and i work as freelance designer. We used to dream about how i will prepare you a cup of tea while you’re working with your side jobs. Then, i’d sit next to you, with my coffee, working on my own project. I’d be your wife, best friend, teammate, sparing partner, and we’d talk about work, movie, life, and other nonsense that we used to talk about.

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Being Viral = Being Vulnerable

I’ve been enjoying using Twitter since 2007. It’s been 15 years. Twitter was some kind of my save space where i can rant, i can talk openly about my mental illness, i can talk nonsense and nobody really care.

Until recently.

I’m not sure why, my tweets got viral twice in a week. Was it like a 60 seconds of fame to me? Did it make me some what happy?

NO. HELL NO.

These are what i learned from being viral:

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Sia Sia

Sia sia adalah meletakkan kebahagiaan orang lain di atas kebahagiaanmu, sementara orang yang kamu prioritaskan ini tidak menganggap kebahagiaanmu penting.

Kamu membangun rumah, menabung rasa, menjahit senyumannya, namun baginya duduk diam tak bertingkah sudah sepadan dengan usahamu. Kamu mendengar keluhannya, menunggu telepon darinya, selalu membelanya, sementara baginya kamu ada hanya saat ia butuhkan.

Ketika kamu menangis, ia malah menghilang menikmati bahagianya sendiri.

Ketika ada badai di hatimu, ia tidak peduli karena baginya itu bukan masalahnya.

Ketika kamu merasa tidak aman atau tidak nyaman, ia merasa itu urusanmu. Namun jika ia merasa tidak aman, ia menuntut kamu memeluknya di dalam tidur.

Sia sia adalah sepasang manusia di dalam perahu yang sama di tengah badai, namun hanya seorang yang sibuk mengayuh.

Sia sia adalah mereka yang menyatakan cinta tanpa usaha dan berharap mendapat segalanya darimu, dan dengan bodohnya kamu berikan.

Sia sia adalah nyawa yang dibayar dengan kata. Nafas yang dibayar dengan kata. Patah hati yang dibayar dengan kata.

Sia sia adalah aku yang menyayangimu apa adanya, dan kamu yang menyayangiku seadanya.

The Closure I’ve Never Asked

He ordered a glass of liquor, and me, after a week of alcohol every night, i asked for a glass of iced coffee. I didn’t want my vacation in Bali ended up with me being hospitalized because of gerd.

We talked about the past a little, but then he kept talking about how his marriage been down-falling. I listened as a friend, not as his ex girl friend.

Then i asked him.

“Why did you choose her? Among all of those girls. Why her? The one that I particularly asked you to not engage. The one whose i told you talk shit about me on Twitter. The one that been flirted with you while we’re still together.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Maybe he was trying to ease my heart, because then he continued by comparing me with his wife. How i was so much better than her. But honestly, it doesn’t mean a thing for me. I was the one who left. I don’t care if she is better than me or not.

He said he no longer love his wife.

I paused. Trying to find honesty or emotion on his face. I couldn’t find anything.

“Tapi long time relationship pasti kayak gitu, Bang. Sparks-nya hilang di tahun ke-3 atau ke-4. Tapi bukan berarti kamu udah ga sayang dia.”

“Perasaanku udah hilang dari tahun pertama kami nikah, kok. Abang nyesel kenapa begitu cepat ngelamar dia.”

And all could think was, “Is this how marriage like? You fall in love then you stop loving?”

How sad… what a waste of time.

Their social media posts full of happiness and romantic pictures, but all of them are fake. And i kind of feel sad. I thought true love was a real thing, but my ex just proofed my that i was wrong.

But at least, i was right to left. Seeing him like that, made me believe that my decision was right. If i marry him, he’d do the same to me. I’d be the wife he talk shit about to his exes.

I never wanted a closure with him. I didn’t need one. I knew he wasn’t the one. I loved him, but we couldn’t work our relationship out. I was just angry he got back to me by dating the girl i like the least so he could make us even.

I remember, when he was about to propose the girl, 2 nights before, he texted me, he said he is going to propose. As if he expected me to beg him to not to. Instead, i replied with “Congratulations!” And i know it wasn’t the respond he was looking for.

That night, in the corner of a cheap bar at Seminyak (because the nice places already closed), i told him, “I let you go with her because if you were truly mine, no girl would be able to take you away from me. If you really love me, you would fight for me. If not, then i simply believe you’re not for me.”

Then i saw it. The sadness. The regret. In his face.

We parted away with a long hug after he dropped me off at my hotel. I told him, “Don’t get divorce. Just try. Try to be more understand.”

He whispered, “Not possible. We’ve stopped loving each other.”

I didn’t reply, because there was no more thing to talked about. He wanted me to support his decision and encourage him. I won’t. And all i know is that, if i was his wife, he’d do exactly the same. He’d fall out of love then believing it’s all my fault.

My ex, wasn’t a bad man. At least, he’s not the kind of assholes i’ve met in my life. He has his kindness, a sensitive heart, and when he loves, he loves hard.

But again, that girl could be me. And i think his wife doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.

I hope, if get to marry someone, that man will never stop loving me. Never stop trying, and never give up on me.

Is there the kind of love that exactly the same with the kind of love that i would give? I don’t know. But at least i now have the answer that my ex is definitely not that man.

If in any way, my ex read this post, i’d like to tell him, “Don’t give up on your marriage. As long as both of you still trying, everything will get better eventually .”

The Journey Of Learning To Love Myself

I’ve been having a lot of heart-to-heart discussions with some friends this past week. Some of those imprinted so deep in to my mind.

Tapi ada salah satu hal yang lumayan membuat saya tepikir lebih dalam dibanding diskusi lainnya.

We were talking about one of my exes and red flags. Kisahnya saya sedang bingung apakah saya telah membuat keputusan yang tepat dengan meninggalkan mantan saya. I mean, i loved him, hell, maybe i still love him. I don’t know. We had a lot of fun, i was happy when i was with him. We weren’t only just a lover, we’re best friends, partner in crime, each other’s supporters, or so i thought.

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BE YOURSELF BUT NOT SO MUCH YOURSELF

I can’t write what i want, draw what i want, because people keep telling me that i was being dramatic and alay with my personal expressions. Even though i tried to ignore it and been trying to remind my self that i am allowed to express my emotions in my own way, i can’t write anything that i want and it feels like i am caged.

Even in my own blog, or twitter, or instagram.

And to not be able to express my feelings, literally give me pain inside my chest. Like, pain that you have when you have gerd, or when you can’t breath.

I hate the fact that people have control over my thoughts and emotions only by things they said casually or jokingly.

I hate that i can’t express my feelings anymore in words just because i feel too ashamed and afraid that people will laugh at me.