Thank You, 2022

Welp, that time of the year again.

I’m glad i’m still alive. Saya melewati bulan-bulan depresif dan suicidal di tahun 2022 yang rasanya cukup berat buat saya. Padahal 2022 saya baik-baik saja. Mood depresif saya terjadi karena kebetulan sedang fasenya dan ditambah dengan kombinasi obat yang salah.

Honestly, 2022 saya mainly tentang mencoba menyeimbangkan mental mati-matian dengan bantuan obat karena fase mania dan depresi saya yang susah banget ditemukan jalan tengahnya. Berbagai kombinasi obat kami (saya dan psikiater saya) coba. Hampir tiap kunjungan saya dapat kombinasi dan dosis yang berbeda. Sekalinya saya dapat obat yang tepat, eh, berat badan saya naik ekstrim. Sisanya, saya dalam kondisi autopilot sehingga saya tidak bisa mengingat sebagian besar hari-hari saya.

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Being Viral = Being Vulnerable

I’ve been enjoying using Twitter since 2007. It’s been 15 years. Twitter was some kind of my save space where i can rant, i can talk openly about my mental illness, i can talk nonsense and nobody really care.

Until recently.

I’m not sure why, my tweets got viral twice in a week. Was it like a 60 seconds of fame to me? Did it make me some what happy?


These are what i learned from being viral:

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The Closure I’ve Never Asked

He ordered a glass of liquor, and me, after a week of alcohol every night, i asked for a glass of iced coffee. I didn’t want my vacation in Bali ended up with me being hospitalized because of gerd.

We talked about the past a little, but then he kept talking about how his marriage been down-falling. I listened as a friend, not as his ex girl friend.

Then i asked him.

“Why did you choose her? Among all of those girls. Why her? The one that I particularly asked you to not engage. The one whose i told you talk shit about me on Twitter. The one that been flirted with you while we’re still together.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Maybe he was trying to ease my heart, because then he continued by comparing me with his wife. How i was so much better than her. But honestly, it doesn’t mean a thing for me. I was the one who left. I don’t care if she is better than me or not.

He said he no longer love his wife.

I paused. Trying to find honesty or emotion on his face. I couldn’t find anything.

“Tapi long time relationship pasti kayak gitu, Bang. Sparks-nya hilang di tahun ke-3 atau ke-4. Tapi bukan berarti kamu udah ga sayang dia.”

“Perasaanku udah hilang dari tahun pertama kami nikah, kok. Abang nyesel kenapa begitu cepat ngelamar dia.”

And all could think was, “Is this how marriage like? You fall in love then you stop loving?”

How sad… what a waste of time.

Their social media posts full of happiness and romantic pictures, but all of them are fake. And i kind of feel sad. I thought true love was a real thing, but my ex just proofed my that i was wrong.

But at least, i was right to left. Seeing him like that, made me believe that my decision was right. If i marry him, he’d do the same to me. I’d be the wife he talk shit about to his exes.

I never wanted a closure with him. I didn’t need one. I knew he wasn’t the one. I loved him, but we couldn’t work our relationship out. I was just angry he got back to me by dating the girl i like the least so he could make us even.

I remember, when he was about to propose the girl, 2 nights before, he texted me, he said he is going to propose. As if he expected me to beg him to not to. Instead, i replied with “Congratulations!” And i know it wasn’t the respond he was looking for.

That night, in the corner of a cheap bar at Seminyak (because the nice places already closed), i told him, “I let you go with her because if you were truly mine, no girl would be able to take you away from me. If you really love me, you would fight for me. If not, then i simply believe you’re not for me.”

Then i saw it. The sadness. The regret. In his face.

We parted away with a long hug after he dropped me off at my hotel. I told him, “Don’t get divorce. Just try. Try to be more understand.”

He whispered, “Not possible. We’ve stopped loving each other.”

I didn’t reply, because there was no more thing to talked about. He wanted me to support his decision and encourage him. I won’t. And all i know is that, if i was his wife, he’d do exactly the same. He’d fall out of love then believing it’s all my fault.

My ex, wasn’t a bad man. At least, he’s not the kind of assholes i’ve met in my life. He has his kindness, a sensitive heart, and when he loves, he loves hard.

But again, that girl could be me. And i think his wife doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.

I hope, if get to marry someone, that man will never stop loving me. Never stop trying, and never give up on me.

Is there the kind of love that exactly the same with the kind of love that i would give? I don’t know. But at least i now have the answer that my ex is definitely not that man.

If in any way, my ex read this post, i’d like to tell him, “Don’t give up on your marriage. As long as both of you still trying, everything will get better eventually .”

The Journey Of Learning To Love Myself

I’ve been having a lot of heart-to-heart discussions with some friends this past week. Some of those imprinted so deep in to my mind.

Tapi ada salah satu hal yang lumayan membuat saya tepikir lebih dalam dibanding diskusi lainnya.

We were talking about one of my exes and red flags. Kisahnya saya sedang bingung apakah saya telah membuat keputusan yang tepat dengan meninggalkan mantan saya. I mean, i loved him, hell, maybe i still love him. I don’t know. We had a lot of fun, i was happy when i was with him. We weren’t only just a lover, we’re best friends, partner in crime, each other’s supporters, or so i thought.

Continue reading The Journey Of Learning To Love Myself


I can’t write what i want, draw what i want, because people keep telling me that i was being dramatic and alay with my personal expressions. Even though i tried to ignore it and been trying to remind my self that i am allowed to express my emotions in my own way, i can’t write anything that i want and it feels like i am caged.

Even in my own blog, or twitter, or instagram.

And to not be able to express my feelings, literally give me pain inside my chest. Like, pain that you have when you have gerd, or when you can’t breath.

I hate the fact that people have control over my thoughts and emotions only by things they said casually or jokingly.

I hate that i can’t express my feelings anymore in words just because i feel too ashamed and afraid that people will laugh at me.


Aku sudah berhenti bertanya mengapa dirimu selalu menangkapku ketika aku jatuh. Menyambutku di dalam rumahmu, membungkusku dengan selimut, dan menyediakan segelas kopi hangat di meja untukku. Kemudian dengan sabar kamu menjahit luka-lukaku yang tertoreh di atas luka-luka lama yang pernah kau sayat sendiri pada tubuhku.

Apakah itu maaf yang kau bayar menyicil karena kau sudah sadar maaf tak menyembuhkanku. Atau cinta yang tersisa namun keras kepala tak mau pergi padahal hanya ampas di sudut hatimu. Atau bahkan kamu sekedar menunggu waktu yang tepat untuk membunuhku yang ke empat kali. Seperti serigala yang selalu lapar dan menunggu korbannya lengah untuk kemudian dicabik sampai habis.

Dan mungkin bagiku kamu seperti alprazolam yang kata psikiater ku harus diminum jika aku mengalami serangan panik atau gelisah terlalu parah. Untuk mencegah diriku terlarut dalam depresi mayor. Ketika aku sakit, aku menenggakmu sesegera mungkin. Dan brengseknya kamu selalu berhasil menenangkanku. Padahal alprazolam sekalipun tidak seampuh itu.

Aku sudah tidak mau bertanya alasanmu atau menghitung seberapa berbahaya dirimu.

Aku pinjam dirimu sebentar saja sebelum aku lupa kamu bukan rumahku.

Tapi jaga aku sebentar. Sampai aku terlelap. Peluk aku sebentar agar aku ingat rasanya dikasihi. Biarkan aku menghabiskan kopiku dahulu.

Aku pinjam dulu bahumu


The Things That I Will Miss About You

  • Strolling around BSD in your car while listening to Metallica.
  • Drinking beers while talking about random stuffs with you.
  • Your scent.
  • Your voice.
  • Sleeping next to you.
  • Kissing your forehead and back while you’re playing mobile game.
  • Cuddling in your bed during the day because we’re too lazy to do anything and just enjoying each other’s company.
  • Preparing meals for you.
  • The stupid things you did unintentionally that make me laugh.
  • Getting panic when you’re tailing car in front of you too close. I hated it. But now i miss it.
  • That stupid song we sang a lot, “Kura kura mengapa jalanmu lambat atau tidak cepat…”
  • Your sexy angry face.
  • Combing your hair after you took bath or before we’re sleeping.
  • Your childish behavior when you’re sulking or want something from me.
  • Your puppy eyes.
  • The things you did to calm me after you made me upset.
  • When you said “Sini…” if i lay too far from your side when we’re about to sleep.
  • Watching you walking around the house only in short pants, i enjoyed seeing you half naked.
  • Of course. Your body.
  • How you stuff your face with snacks, lol.
  • That you don’t mind showing how clingy you were to me in front of my friends.
  • Your cute insecurities when i hang out with my friends without you.
  • Your voice tone when you call me “Aleee…”
  • When you put your arms around me, because you rarely did it.
  • Having meal with your mom and you at the dinner table as if we were already a family.
  • Your stupid Momoy and Bunbun. Please take care of Bunbun for me. It was one of my fav things in my room.

Pesan dan Doa Mama

“Mama, sih, bebas kamu mau sama cowok kayak gimana juga. Yang penting kamu bahagia. Yang penting itu cowok yang kamu senangi. Tapi, kalau bisa, Mama maunya kamu sama cowok yang bener-bener sayang sama kamu. Yang memperjuangkan kamu.

Belajar dari pengalaman Mama.

Mama menikah dengan orang yang Mama sayang banget padahal Mama tidak diperlakukan dengan baik. Kalau Mama sih, kuat hidup puluhan tahun dengan Papa walau diperlakukan seperti apa. Kan kamu tahu sendiri Papa gimana ke Mama.

Tapi kamu nggak.

Mama tahu kamu nggak akan bisa sekuat Mama kalau menikah dengan laki-laki yang salah.

Pilih laki-laki yang benar-benar sayang sama kamu dan peduli sama kamu. Yang bisa mengerti kondisi kamu. Yang bela-belain buat kamu.”

“Kasihan kamu. Masa muda kamu habis dipakai buat nyenengin orang tua. Semoga nanti kamu dapat suami yang nyenengin kamu.”

“Mama berdoa, semoga kamu mendapat laki-laki yang sayang sama kamu, yang membahagiakan kamu. Kasihan anak Mama hidupnya berjuang terus. Mama gak bisa bales apa-apa ke kamu, jadi cuma bisa berdoa aja semoga kamu dapat suami yang membalas kebaikan kamu sebagai anak berbakti.”

Thank You, 2020

Semoga, di tahun 2020, saya menemukan seseorang yang bisa menjadi kekasih sekaligus sahabat yang saya percaya. Semoga saya juga belajar ilmu baru, mungkin UI UX atau marketing. Menabung lebih banyak, olahraga lebih teratur, jaga pola makan, dan berhenti merokok. Lebih sehat juga secara fisik dan mental.

Semoga, tahun 2020 adalah tahun di mana segala luka, usaha, dan perjuangan kita semua terbayar. Semoga 2020 kalian lebih baik, ya.

Saya mengawali tahun 2020 dengan fokus berolahraga, mengatur makanan, dan berusaha mencapai target berat badan. Sayangnya pada bulan Maret, Indonesia harus melakukan semi-lock down karena pandemi, virus COVID19 yang memaksa kami semua harus tinggal di rumah selama beberapa minggu. Saya tidak bisa lagi pergi ke gym, tidak bisa keluar dari kamar kosan kecuali terpaksa, bahkan tidak bisa bertemu ibu saya sampai 3-4 bulan. Seminggu sebelum PSBB, saya dirawat inap di rumah sakit karena tyfus. Jadi, lumayan terasa.

Continue reading Thank You, 2020